Subenu said: but i'm almost always very friendly ._. No argument there. I merely note that the initial question had teeth. Now, let me go on record as saying that I like this story. I understand other members' concerns about the power level -- I share them -- but I don't see the situation as being beyond redemption. The explanation of Iva's science knowledge is about what I expected, and I'm willing to wait for the reveal on the horse ('cause I'm really hoping that the "island horses are faster than Earth horses" explanation isn't the actual deal). |
| "When you have bought your own load of hooey, you know exactly what it is worth." -- Bruce Sterling |
| Posting this for clarity: Admin Note: While the MC may not be aware of the degree to which these horses were 'special', one should NOT expect similar performance from other horses on the island that haven't been alchemically and/or magically empowered. |
| I've never written a flash back style chapter that covers a vast amount of time before. It's been almost a full month and I'm still writing this chapter... I'm considering scrapping it, at least for the time being. perhaps i should post what i do have? though that might just cause a bit of more confusion if i did |
 |
| Well is it a memory or just for the reader's sake? |
  |
| it more cover's Iva's motives and a bit of backstory but i only got 2 paragraphs written... idk y but i just hit a major writer's block upon starting it i wouldn't say it's important to the story but it'd probably help later down the road... edit - was ditched and shit attempt was removed |
Clarus_NoxSep 12, 2015 12:55 PM
|
| ima just start writing the next chapter for now |
|
| Hmmm... four schools of magic? It makes sense that anyone who had that would have the classic elemental schools, but... yeah. A character that powerful would definitely have to be an NPC patron or antagonist. No way she could be a companion. |
| "When you have bought your own load of hooey, you know exactly what it is worth." -- Bruce Sterling |
| Ok i am back and here is chapter 17 yay~ ***** Chapter 17 Splashing water in my face from a bathroom sink I look up at what appeared to have been a mirror at one point. Contemplating on what I had been told. Silvia had told me a bit, but was really summed up as 'Humans are rare' and the general state of the world, who is at war, time of peace, and in a governmental collapse. * The wall had opened up to reveal a small room. Standing in what appeared to be small box stood the small girl, Iva. “So you kids found my house. Do not worry yourselves, it has been maybe a century or two since it has had guests. I do not mind, please feel free to use the place. And fret not bout the condition, no natural storm could ever damage this house.” Iva spoke without turning around. Her speech was once again much more formal than normal. Picking up the box she turned towards me and asked, “Would you like to hear a story?” After a moment of silence she smiles softly and begins to open the box. Inside is an arm. Initially I was shocked until the faint light caught the arm and gave off an odd sheen. Giving it a more thorough look I am able to see that it is made of some sort of metal. “This was my husband's arm. And is all that is left of him. It is nothing special, however it is all I have left to remember him.” pausing in her story Iva looks at me and then seems to read my mind with you next statement, “He was a mechanic. When I first met him, I was practicing my magic. I grew up being called a prodigy, not many are able to use two types of magic and I am able to use multiple. I was spooked and almost got killed, but he saved me from my own mistake. It cost him his arm. My specialty is geomancy, with his direction he had instructed me on how to construct him this prosthetic. To make it more than just a lump of metal though, I began to study enchantments. I was able to eventually enchant the arm to work as good as a normal one would, to an extent. He would always go on about how peaceful and better this world was in comparison to his. It was not until we were approached by someone that our peaceful lives came to an end. That was shortly before the Dragon Wars officially began. An Undine was interested in my husband's arm and believed it to be some unknown technology, she wanted his knowledge to aid them in their cause. But he had had enough of war, and turned her down. Something she did not take kindly to. My husband refused to give her any information from your world, even if she had been mistaken in how useful it would may have been. Eventually the Undine killed him, not even a body was left save this arm, but even with his arm she had no knowledge on how it worked. Her general lack of understanding magic, despite being an Undine is to this day still something I do not understand. It seemed like taking her victim's left arms was some kind of ritual of her's. But I could not let them have it. So I took it and ran. Eventually I began wanting revenge. I still do, and even though I have not found a trace of her I know she is still out there.” I could not comment. As per usual with Iva, I could find no room to intervene. Though I could not see her face, I could hear it in her voice. The emotions while well buried and covered but are still there nonetheless. The sorrow of her loss and the rage she bares towards this Undine. “Silvia has told me what she has told you about our world. I will elaborate a bit on it.” Iva closes the box and places it back before facing me again, “Human men are rare, that is what you were told. However tat is a bit of an understatement. There are perhaps fewer than 1 human per 30 mamono. And that is including human woman. I am of the understanding that you are not a “claimed” male. By technicality you claimed Silvia when you bested her and Ione certainly doesn't have it in her to claim anyone. The girls' presence should be enough to prevent most mamono from trying to claim you but you should still be careful. I have stated this before but you have an insane amount of luck to have both best a Werewolf and Echidna, even if they were very circumstantial. I can tell that you are not a soldier like my husband. But you can hold your own given enough leverage. Once more as I have previously stated, I believe we will have similar goals before long. So in that eventuality, I will help you create said leverage. But more on that later. Now as I said the rarity of humans in comparison to mamono. How likely do you think a purely human run, slave trade organization could last and evade the lord's attempts to stamp it out?” Thinking about it I couldn't come up with a reason for how such a thing was possible, the entire world was trying to be rid of them if I understood correctly. 'No, not the /entire/ world.' “They are based in Kaori?” “That is a possibility but they are active in every territory aside from Michiko's domain. Any other guesses?” I had nothing, but unlike usual Iva was waiting for my reply. How could a purely human run organization survive here? The answer then came to me. “It can't” “Correct. I Don't have anything to back this up, but I believe that the Hunter's are not as they claim, a pure human run organization. If we take into account other mamono aiding and funding them, it becomes more clear as to how they might have survived this long.” “But why would they, the mamono, help?” “That I am not sure. But I do not think that will be the case for very long.” “But what do the Hunter's have to do with..” “We'll save that for another time. I think it's high time ya take a bath. I'll go let the girls know I'm here. Ya will find it at the end of the hall.” back to her old self and dialect she cuts me off once again and walks out leaving me without any space for commentary. 'How the fuck does she do that!?' * Sitting in a tub of hot water, I cant help but think over everything Iva told me. In an attempt to clear my head I examine the bathroom. The bathroom was very large and the tub took up about half the room. It was more like a pool than a tub. Though it seems to go along with the house rather well. While large it was fairly empty. Sink, toilet, tub that was it. I begin to submerge my head under that water when suddenly the bathroom door opens. In a panic I end up swallowing some water. |
Clarus_NoxSep 12, 2015 1:19 PM
|
| I still don't know why you opted for future stuff, but let's forget about it. Clarus_Nox said: ewer than 1 human per 100,000 mamono It is like 1:30, e.g. 1 human for 30 mamono. If I remember rules correctly it is 100,000 humans on 3,000,000, so dividing will give you the count. Your count would results in 30 humans on island max, which would make some stories impossible. |
| Signature removed. It was too good for this cruel world. |
| my mistake :T |
|
| And now we have the explanation for Iva's scientific knowledge. About what I expected, though I didn't anticipate a man from the future. And yeah, the cyborg arm would be a big fat hairy deal. You're in trouble just knowing about that, CN. |
| "When you have bought your own load of hooey, you know exactly what it is worth." -- Bruce Sterling |
| are the lords going to start coming after me? >> |
|
| hmm be careful... you're on a very slippery topic that could end badly. Technology of any kind above essentially early industrial and that's VERY EARLY industrial age is seen as a big leap and catches the interest of the lords (or in our case the GMs). Also the magic is iffy as well, you might get off since its an NPC and not a companion, but still be careful lol. Otherwise it was an interesting chapter :3 |
|
| well the lords still don't know about the arm as of the moment. no does anyone in MSG knows of the importance, or lack there of, of said arm. Iva has told Ryan that nobody on the island should be able to make heads or tails of anything about the arm other than it simply does not belong in their world |
|
| how come i have to mess around with the url to find this post? |
|
| why the deletion beast? |
|
beast_regards said: Since tyger read the story and there is no "ban" in big letters around yet, then I assume you will get away with it. But you should be more cautious about it in future and keep your distance from thin red line. everything in my story is run by 1 or more gm/officers multiple chapters before they are even hinted at. i understand you are worried about my story becoming like yuda (i think that's the correct one if not i apologize) but we've been over this before. i have no intention of anything like that. the biggest difference here i'd like to point out for you to please take into account whenever you want to ask a question about something in my story. (again this is just my understanding of the yuda problem) he did not run his plan by gm or officers, when confronted he altered in ways that were further in conflict of gm and officers for me however i run ever last idea that i think could hold potential in causing a problem by gm and officers and we work to keep them in a believable and realistic area. ive not yet been asked to scrape an idea. to the contrary. su has specifically told me don't scrape my idea in the beginning. every idea ive put forth for approval that i wanted to have hasn't needed to be nerfed or changed, but simply explained in details that would be left unsaid in the story. i am not trying to go over heads or break or bend rules. taking advantage of a loophole for plot convince with gm/officer approval my happen but only with their approval. |
|
Clarus_Nox said: well the lords still don't know about the arm as of the moment. Which is why you don't have a GM breathing down your neck about it. As long as it stays secret, it won't get stomped. But that tech has serious potential to wreck the balance of power, so the Lords wouldn't stand for it. If they find out, boom, game over. And for the record, Queen Leyla didn't get nuked because she found out how to make firearms. She got nuked for developing the capability to mass produce firearms. The effect of that on the balance of power was well beyond what the Lords were willing to tolerate. The question to ask when determining how the Lords would react to a particular innovation -- and this is for everybody, not just Clarus -- is, "Would this change things on the island in such a way as to take a significant amount of wealth/power out of the hands of those who currently hold it?" If the answer is yes, the Lords would oppose that change. |
| "When you have bought your own load of hooey, you know exactly what it is worth." -- Bruce Sterling |
| Yup technology isn't bad, changing the status quo is bad. |
|
beast_regards said: one the hand we are afraid of "low tech" but "jumping to high tech" is perfectly OK. It's not high tech that's OK, it's high science. The reasons for that are a) you can't do anything with high science without the necessary infrastructure, and b) you can't build high tech infrastructure without going through low tech first. If we put the kibbosh on low tech, we can stop the high tech from developing. Once again I refer to Queen Leyla -- what she did threatened to make a wholesale change in the island's manufacturing infrastructure, so she had to go. |
| "When you have bought your own load of hooey, you know exactly what it is worth." -- Bruce Sterling |
| Chapter 18 “Alright ya kids! Let's have us some fun!” Iva shouts standing in the doorway fully in the nude. “*cough* the *cough* hell?” “It's more fun to bath with others than it is alone, so we came to join ya.” without missing a beat Iva jumps into the tub, but given her size the tub looks more like a pool in comparison. “Besides Ione refused to take one unless ya were there with her.” Iva then motions toward the door. “Stop struggling and come on!” Silvia practically dragging Ione into the bathroom and once half way to the tub, “One, and TWO!!” throws Ione into the tub in front of me. Ione resurfaces and immediately clings to me for support as I'm still trying to come to terms of being in a tub with 3 woman. Taking a glance at Iva I correct myself, 2 and ½. “Oi! Ya just considered me half a woman didn't ya!?” 'how the fuck did she..' “Ya are like a picture book to me kid. And I can assure ya I'm more woman than both these girls combined.” Looking back down at the shaking Ione clinging to me. “Silvia was it necessary to throw her in?” Silvia who now floating on her back across the tub responded, “She would have ran if I didn't, better to jump and get used to it quickly than get in slowly and prolong it in my opinion.” 'Well, I can't say I disagree with the second part.' Despite my initial reluctance I ended up washing Ione who was still scared of water. Ione also began humming Kiss From a Rose while I was doing so, I guessed in an attempt to take her mind away from the water. I was more surprised she remembered it after all this time. After I was finished I decided I'd had enough of this and started to get out. “Oh right before I forget, ya won't be wearin those old clothes of yours no more. They're not fit for travel. But I got some good ones ya can chose from. They should fit ya look to be about his size.” I then hear the water splashing and turn to see Iva and the girls getting out of the tub. But each of them is staring at something. “Not bad.” Tracing their line of sight I find they are looking at a particular part of me with a bit of longing. “So the clothes?” “Ah, right this way!” grabbing a towel and wrapping myself I follow her to a closet.“Go ahead and pick what meets your fancy.” Upon entering there is a fairly wide selection, from Formal attire to stained work clothes. Browsing though I find some black jeans and a simple long sleeve blackish green shirt. Happy with the simple outfit I turn to leave the closet my eye catches on something. A trench coat of sorts. It doesn't have a zipper or any buttons to close it but a simple small sash to tie it closed similar to a robe. The coat was pitch black. As I took it off the rack I turned it to look at the back. It had a very intricate design. The back of the coat was embroidered with emerald green flames. The design was better than and more accurate than any I'd ever seen. I could have sworn someone just took a burning fire and just plastered it onto the back of the coat. “Hmm that's a good piece, and it'll be very useful. It's enchanted.” Iva said apparently having come in when I wasn't paying attention. “Enchanted? Like extra defense or something?” “No, nothing like that. It was enchanted for traveling convenience. It will take the edge off of the heat or cold in extreme climates. Making you feel a bit less uncomfortable. I believe an estimate my husband made was, 'It makes 110 degree fair-in-height feel more like 90 degrees.' or something like that. Since we are heading to a desert that would be very useful for ya.” “This design is well made.” “It belonged to an Ignis clan long ago. They were a rare breed, their flames were emerald green instead of red. Though to my knowledge, they died out during the Dragon Wars. I doubt anyone remembers much about them unless they personally knew of them. Go ahead, ya can have it.” It didn't take much, I was a sucker for these kinds of outfits. The coat was surprisingly very easy to move in. It wasn't too tight nor loose. In the pocket of the coat I found a couple handkerchiefs also caring the same designs as the back. 'A complete set huh?' “That sword ya got, it's sheathe has a similar design on it don't it?” Now that I think about it I never did look at the sheathe yet. After the girls had gotten dressed we went back down stairs. We gathered our stuff. The rain seemed to have stopped at some point. Looking at the sheathe of my sword I see Iva was right. It is a very similar design as the coat and handkerchiefs. But an odd bit about the sheathe I had yet to notice. It was made of metal. At first I didn't think much of it but now it seems odd for a sheathe to be made of a heavier material than it need be. But in the end I pushed it from my mind. It wasn't that important. As we prepped the horse, Iva spoke, “She won't be able to take you father than the border. The heat will be too much for her. From there ya gonna have to walk, just keep headin north west and ya will find your destination. I'll meet ya kids half way.” “What are you going to be doing?” Silvia asked though her face expressed more relief to not have to carry her again more than curiosity. “I need deal with something I should have done a long time ago. I do not want to end up starting a war that he wanted to avoid, just because I could not let go.” With a slap on the horse from Iva, it took off before I could question her. And so we were heading to the border. |
|
| it is allowed because it is not being used |
|
| why do constantly change your post after it gets a response? |
|
| I see that a magic item (the coat) is acquired in this chapter. I presume that this was cleared by Su? For the record, I would've cleared it if all it does is what's described here. That's actually a good example of a low-powered item. |
| "When you have bought your own load of hooey, you know exactly what it is worth." -- Bruce Sterling |
| I'm with tyger, that's what I had in mind for enchanted items. It's not OP, it doesn't make the environment PERFECT, just a little less horrible, if the temp was 300C, you'd still die lol. I think its logical and pleasing to the reader when the writer keeps everything balanced, nobody needs a teen power fantasy when we're essentially already writing a teen wet dream fantasy. Good chapter Clar, I still find Ione adorable :3 |
|
| yeah was approved by su, it does do a bit more water and fire retardant, (not proof just a tad more resistant to damages than normal clothes) also only the coat it self is resistant to water and fire damage i would still get soaked and burned if it touched me |
|
| Nothing too out-of-bounds on the clothing. The moratorium on any more future travelers was probably the right call. Terms as big as "galactic" especially when combined with "second" and "civil war" tend to make me roll my eyes, especially in this context. I just don't see what is gained by such a development. It's clear that she likes the MC (or hates him) given that she spilled the beans on information that can be fatal to even know. |
emeraldtryst said: The moratorium on any more future travelers was probably the right call. Sadly, I agree. I can only think of three off the top of my head, and this instance is the most egregious. One of the things to keep in mind about future travelers is how little they would actually know about the advanced technology that they live with. Who here can drive a car? [counts hands] OK, now how many of you know how to build one? [counts fewer hands] From scratch, with found materials? [counts one hand, and slaps that guy for lying] Yeah, that's what I thought. The same principle will hold true for SF-level tech; only the specialists will know enough about it to produce it, and even they will be powerless to do so without the proper infrastructure. And all that is before taking into consideration how the island's different physical laws will affect future tech. Many (possibly most) devices will flat out stop working as the physics behind their operation no longer apply. |
| "When you have bought your own load of hooey, you know exactly what it is worth." -- Bruce Sterling |
| I will be definitely reading this as I am curious what he gets next. |
| Signature removed. It was too good for this cruel world. |
| Chapter 19 Upon reaching the border, the horse Iva lent us left the way we came. The sun had already begun to set as we crossed from grass to sand. “Perhaps we should make camp for the night.” Silvia suggested as the stars began to reveal themselves. “Are you tired?” “No, not particularly.” Ione shook her head, still wide awake herself it'd seem. Having lived in a desert like climate for back on Earth, I knew that this trek was not going to be easy for any of us. So I decided to offer up a suggestion. “How bout we start traveling at night from now on?” Didn't get much of a response at first until Silvia spoke, “It'll be hard to see at night, not to mention the desert isn't exactly a safe place.” “Yes, but the most lethal part of the desert is the sun and dehydration. We would preserve more water by traveling at night. Leaving only the wild life as the only threats to worry about, most of which are primarily diurnal. So long as we don't disturb a sleeping rattler, we should be perfectly fine.” “You do have a point but you are forgetting that this is not your world, there are more dangers than just wild life. Bandits for one. And as you're aware the War of the Sun Gods. However, bandits aside, Both Iris and Charisse's troops most likely will be resting at night themselves. And while we would cover more ground, without the sun draining us energy. The chances of being happened upon whilst we rest would be higher.” “We wouldn't need to keep going until we were in need of rest. But I do see your point.” “Well I'm sure we should be able to avoid any confrontation, I'm ok with it, so long as we know what we are wagering.” Looking to Ione for her opinion, she nods in agreement. With the plan set we forgo making camp and continue our way. Silvia informs me of the direction we need keep our heading using the stars. Needless to say Earth astrology for directions is useless here. As we continue on our way we run into no trouble. We once, according to Silvia, came close to some sort of encampment a few miles ahead of us. One she guesstimated was a bandit camp. But given the apparent flatness of the area I could not make out any light sources aside from the stars, and our detour route seemed circled more than just a few miles to me. But I didn't see any reason to doubt her. Over the course of the next few days we found no problems. Resting during the day, traveling during the night. The moon being now at the waxing gibbous, provided enough light for me and way more than enough for both Ione and Silvia as I found out both had beyond excellent night vision. As to why it surprised me, I wasn't sure. On the 4th day in the desert. The sun had begun it's descent upon the horizon. There was maybe a couple more hours of daylight for the day. I was keeping watch for any trouble. For the most part the area was fairly flat save for a hill of sand to our east. Using it as a source of shade for the earlier part of the day. It would be time to wake the girls soon and begin the next night of travel. When I suddenly heard footsteps. They were coming from the other side of the other side of the hill, they loud enough to be obviously not trying to hide. Silvia and Ione both heard them and sat up from their sleep. When the newcomers reached the apex of the hill and saw us. Three in total, they were each in armor and carrying swords. After a few moment of silent staring the three slowly made their way down while the girls and I moved back to keep some distance between us. One of the girls I could make a guess was a werewolf, but he other two I was unfamiliar with. One looked like a horned child while the other had pig features. The one with pig ears then spoke. “Isis or Charisse? Whom do you side?” The pig eared girl definitely gave off the feeling of being the one in charge. While her associates both appeared to be exhausted. The werewolf seemingly trying to remain attentive, while the horned girl was practically falling asleep where she stood. “Neither. We haven't an interest in your war.” The pig eared girl seemed surprised that I was the one to speak up for a moment but quickly recomposed herself. “I see, then we will be taking you three in for Lord Charisse's cause.” Silvia didn't waste any time to let out a growl at the pig girl's words. But finishing my examination of the other two girls, it was apparent they were not in much condition to fight. “Three versus one hardly seems fair for you. The wiser option would be for you to turn away.” Her eyes narrowing at my proclamation she glanced at her comrades and then back at me then to Silvia and finally to Ione before saying, “Appears to be more two civilians versus one soldier.” 'She has a point, Silvia doesn't know how to fight aside from basic instinct. Even if her allies are exhausted or recruits, they still have training. It'd be bad if they joined in.' As I thought about the situation, the pig girl drew her sword slowly to which I answered in kind. “You two stay back for now.” She ordered her comrades and took a basic vertical offensive stance with her sword in her right hand. After drawing my own blade, I let my arm relax as I held the blade down towards the ground. And began to examine her stance. 'The left is fairly open. I don't need worry bout my life. If I'm not mistaken they won't be willing to kill me, not immediately. I'll go for the left then.' Upon concluding my thoughts I keep my stance save for my wrist, which turns 160 degrees turning the blade upright. When suddenly the pig eared girl's stance chances swiftly to a more defensive horizontal stance. Taking a chance to re-evaluate her stance I come to a conclusion that surprises me. 'The no opening in to her left anymore...' This was a first. Aside from instructors, I've never faced someone I could call an equal in swordsmanship. Not many people on Earth care to study swordplay anymore. At least none around where I lived. Most people just charge head first and try to beat you down with their sword as if it was a club, typically screaming their heads off. 'Did she read my movement? But all I did was turn my wrist. How could she predict my trajectories just from that? No matter. She doesn't appear to be much stronger or faster than me. On top of that she should be tired. But now her right side is open, not as much as her left was but...' With those thoughts in mind my hand moves to the left a bit until it is centered with my right thigh and turn my wrist back the other way 180 degrees. But again the pig eared girl chances her stance along with mine. But in less movement she bring her hand back to the right aligning it with her right shoulder and tilting the blade downwards diagonally. 'Again?! How is she reading me so easily?' The girl now no longer has any easy openings that I could find. To make matters worse, she wasn't showing any signs at striking first. She was waiting to counter. As I evaluate her once more I come to realize something. 'She hasn't blinked once since she drew her sword.' The whole time she has been staring at me the whole time. Not as a man, but as a swordsman. Her eyes held nothing but cold analysis in them. Evaluating everything I did. Raising my blade to a vertical diagonal defensive stance I decided to wait for her to make the first move. Time passed. Seconds to minutes with neither me or the pig eared girl making a move. Silvia and Ione were both silent. The pig eared girl's comrades didn't make any attempts to join in. the werewolf paying more attention to Silvia than to me, and the horned girl, honestly looked like she fell asleep standing. At this point I began to develop a cold sweat on the back of my neck. The entire time, the girl hadn't taken her eyes off of me, not even to blink. 'Why won't she strike? Is she afraid? No. I don't believe I can lose this fight. They want me alive at the very least. I shouldn't need fear any serious injury. I'm well rested. She isn't. I got a longer blade, my reach is at least 1 foot and ½ longer than her. Why? Why?! Can't I see an opening?!' Looking into her eyes once more they remain the same, unchanging. I decide to try for an offense and raise my hand to my shoulder level pointing the blade upwards and the tip towards the girl. But again she moved at the same time, except this time was different. It was for only a brief second but she was moving before I was. And immediately stopped when I began. We stood there with both of us in unfinished adjustments. Her eyes were slightly different. They looked as though she were trying to figure out my movements. 'Does she think this is the stance I was going for?' Her eyes then glance behind me as she tenses for a second. Moments later the pig eared girl lowers her blade and then sheathes it. “We're leaving.” The sudden speech caught me off guard for a bit as I registered what she had said. The werewolf appeared confused as well. But the horned girl had opened her eyes in shock, apparently just woken up as she looks around until she sees me and points, “AH! A MAN!!” '…' “...” “...” “... He isn't worth the risk. We are not in a position to take prisoners especially if we were to sustain an injury. We're moving on.” And with that, they left. After we were sure they were gone, Ione's legs collapsed on her. The experience proving to be too much for her. Silvia however was still staring after the direction they left her eyes giving off an impression of experience, much like the ones the pig eared girl had. Until she turned towards me. Her expression changed in an instant. From one of a warrior's to a girl's. “Wow! I can't believe you were able to scare them off. You were so cool!” “Y-yeah...” After that we spent a couple extra hours to rest. Ione didn't need much time to recover, but I was a different story. |
Clarus_NoxAug 30, 2014 7:42 PM
|
| Careful Clar :P I often wonder about our descriptions of the desert. I don't know enough about the geography to really say what specific areas are like, some could be flat wastelands, others could be oceans of sand. Who knows lol. |
|
| Couple grammar issues. One that made me wonder if you were getting existential: "But given the flatness of the apparent flatness of the area..." =P I have to give some props to somebody actually suggesting one of the best ways to travel through a desert. That extra activity from walking at night helps keep you warm too! This "combat" was actually very well done. I was able to visualize the scene along with getting a good feel for the tension involved. The views of the character are also interesting in this case because he's made assumptions that could be potentially very dangerous, but without knowing the extent to which the war has escalated, still seem otherwise reasonable. Now I have to wonder what the orc saw that caused her to back down. Even if blows were never exchanged, nobody could doubt that we certainly saw a "fight", and that orc would have been sorely tempted to activate her internal slave mode if she'd actually been beaten. There certainly ARE some spooky things out in the desert, especially at night, and especially now =P |
| ah crap i thought i got everything DX yeah fight scenes are some of my more comfortable fields in writing, especially with blades. emeraldtryst said: Now I have to wonder what the orc saw that caused her to back down. good question~ i wonder what it could have been... neither Ione nor Silvia have real fighting experience..... or do they >> |
|
| Prime the Ione cannon! |
|
| HA, that thought never crossed my mind actually XD |
|
| Interesting chapter. I appreciate the details on fencing, as I have some familiarity with swordplay myself. That the Orc was experienced enough to evaluate her chances of victory without a single exchange of blows is telling. And to those who don't know swordplay, masters of the art really are that good. One quibble: "Needless to say Earth astrology for directions is useless here." Yeah, it would be. Earth astrology is useless for directions here, too. Astronomy, OTOH, is useful indeed. Astronomy is science, astrology is pseudo-science. Of course, in a world that runs on magic, astrology might actually be more useful than astronomy. |
| "When you have bought your own load of hooey, you know exactly what it is worth." -- Bruce Sterling |
beast_regards said: If Island is Atlantis, Mu, Laputa or any fabled land, then astronomy is useful for navigation as we are still on Earth. [snip] If different dimension / universe / planet then skies are different. My story comes right out and says that the island's sky does not look like Earth's -- and it does so within the first five chapters. Other stories have echoed this. If we regard these prior stories as canon, the island is at the very least on a different planet. The difference in physical laws necessary to accommodate MG biology and the existence of magic suggests a completely different universe. |
| "When you have bought your own load of hooey, you know exactly what it is worth." -- Bruce Sterling |
| I've gotten some nice feedback on my fight scene but nobody has made mention of the fact my MC had begun to panic in the face of someone who appeared to be equal or better, making amateurish assumptions to assure himself of victory and such. as stated in the chapter I've never fought someone i can consider superior due the lack of decent opponent in my life. i was wondering if i had succeeded in portraying the realization and panic of possibly seeing something i might not had a chance against. |
|
Clarus_Nox said: panic Reading the blue "inner monologue/thoughts" again it sounds like cold calculus rather than panic. Panic is a sudden sensation of fear which is so strong as to dominate or prevent reason and logical thinking, you instead logically assessed opponent strengths and weaknesses, then made calculus for several moves ahead and determined you can't win decisively.It doesn't sound like panic at all. Edit: considering everything you said and written about yourself yes, you can be theoretically that good. But you are definitely not even remotely close to panic. |
beast_regardsSep 2, 2014 6:19 AM
| Signature removed. It was too good for this cruel world. |
| in other words i failed in creating the scenario i wanted |
|
| Lol, it's gonna take forever before I'll be able to write about action like you did. Just sayin <_< Clarus_Nox said: in other words i failed in creating the scenario i wanted But this. This is terrible, and I mean it. Everyone usually tries to accomplish given goals in their chapters, such as giving the readers specific impressions. I usually feel bad when I get different things from what I expected about this kind of topic as well. Still, don't worry about it too much, because that chapter was good regardless (at least in my opinion XD) |
 "You keep changing the shape of your eyes. How does that even work?" -AbhLeaderKrelian |
| Just goes to show, Ya write what ya know I need find someone who is as enthusiastic in swordplay as myself XT |
|
| I did a little fencing for a bit but I thought it was lame lol |
|
| Well, I sort of want to chime in here. While I didn't get "panic" from that scene, I did get some tension and maybe frustration. I've done a lot of swordity in my day--épée, sabre, broadsword, gads of LARP combat, etc. If I found myself in a similar situation, I'd have probably been throwing out the rulebook and finding a way to change the locale or wielding my shoe in the off-hand. Freaks people out =P |
| I'm with Em on this one -- tension and frustration yes, panic no. I know enough about fencing to have understood the swordplay references. I'm better with a staff, though, and I'm better still unarmed. With the fighting experience I have, I must say that this is the best action scene in this story yet. |
| "When you have bought your own load of hooey, you know exactly what it is worth." -- Bruce Sterling |
| ive always been a fairly level headed kind of guy, never really found myself panicking... i may need redo some scene i have planned for the future XT |
|
| Chapter 20 As we continued our travels we eventually met up with Iva again, how she got ahead of us is mystery she proudly refused to tell us. After 2 more days of walking we finally came across some sort of settlement. There seemed to be some sort of festival going on. 'So this is Gray Gardens?' “The Moon Bazaar, just in time for the last day too. Was gettin worried we weren't gonna make it.” Exclaimed Iva as she began running toward the encampment. 'What?' “Come on kids, I already booked us a tent! We can put our stuff there! Gotta hurry before the show starts!!” As we followed Iva we were led through a multitude of tents until Iva eventually turned into one. The tent was a fairly large cottage tent. Upon entering, I saw two sleeping mats and a small amount of food. Besides that the tent was quite empty. As we began setting our things down I asked, “Weren't we going to Gray Gardens?” “We are, but first I want to see Darkstar's concert.” Iva replied. “A concert...?” “What don't ya like concerts?” “No actually I don't.” “Fine then,” With a swift movement Iva tosses me a pouch. Judging on the sound it was most likely coins. “That's 700 gold, ya can go around the merchant stalls or somethin.” Iva then exited the tent but not before poking her head back in to say, “Just remember, ya aren't claimed. If one of these mamono finds out, ya on ya own.” and with that she left. Silvia and Ione both looking out the tent the way Iva left, it didn't take a genius both of them were interested in this dark star girl's concert. “Go on, I'll be fine on my own.” Taking a glance between them they turned to me as Silvia asked, “You sure? You won't go picking any fights?” “Hey! When did I start a fight?” “Just making sure.” laughed Silvia, and after a few moment they both hurried after Iva. The sun had yet to fully set when I decided to go and look at the shops. 'It's Iva's money perhaps I should buy something.' After browsing through through five or so shops I began to give up on the thought of find anything that would catch my interest until I happened upon one tent with a child vendor. She had bright orange hair and pointed ears, but looked fairly human. Upon noticing me she called out with a heavy Irish brogue. “Ah a human male! Don't get ta see many of ye around ere. Care ta purchase some gems for ye woman?” Glancing over the wares she had Nothing particularly stood out as 'good' in my mind, mostly just gaudy type jewelry. “Got anything... simpler?” “Hmm? Like ta keep things nice an simple eh? I got a few things, can also craft ye somethings from me left overs if ye willin to wait a day.” Bringing out a small assortment of trinkets still nothing stood out much. “No good eh? It's a tad expensive but I be willin to cut the price in half if ye were to do me a nice favor. Today's the last day, and I don't be planin to be carrin all this back home with me. If ye don't got anythin specific in mind, just tell me bit bout ye woman an I'll whip up somethin I'm sure will meet their fancy.” “And what might this favor be?” “Nothin much, just a little kiss.” “And how much for the custom?” “First, tell me bit bout ye woman then I can give ye and estimate.” “Well to be perfectly honest I'm not sure what either of their tastes are.” “Hmm... Species?” “Werewolf and Harpy?” “I see.... aye I got just the thing. Anythin else? Colors perhaps?” “Silvia, the werewolf, has snow white fur.... and Ione, the harpy, has white feathers.... no they seem to be more silver to me... and under the right light they appear to give off a metallic sheen.” “White fur, silver feathers.... aye white gold and silver. Hmm...” Now the girl was eyeing me down. “How bouts some black stones ta bring out the whites? Black sapphire perhaps?” “The contrast would work nice I think.” “Hmm so all together it's... 1,360 gold pieces.” Given my knowledge of the economy in this world, I was able to professionally deduce that I had no idea if that was expensive or cheap. “Offer to cut the price is still there should ye want it.” The orange haired girl said trying to look as adorable as possible. I had no real reason to get these for Silvia nor Ione, but at the same time I found myself wanting to get them for them anyway. Plus it was Iva's money. “Alright, but only if you close your eyes.” “Oh my.” was all the girl said as she closed her eyes and puckered up. After confirming her eyes were shut I knelt down, picked up her hand and lightly pecked it. After stepping back the girl looked at her hand then back to me with slight disappointment but her face quickly lit up with laughter. “A smartass ain't ye? Alright, a deals a deal. So how long ye gonna be in the area?” “I believe we planing to head out some time tomorrow.” “Rush job eh? Alright we'll have it done an to ya by noon tomorrow. Make sure ye have 634 pieces.” “Here, this is 700 or so. Feel free to take all of it if you get any good ideas about the products.” “How generous, ah before I forget. Do ye know their sizes?” “...no..” “Adjustable it is then. Ah perfect my fire friend is back. Nina we gots ourselves a custom order.” The one the orange haired girl was calling out to was standing a bit behind me. She didn't wear any clothes but rather was covered in flames. The girl looked at me and then to my back. But she didn't say anything as she continued into the orange haired girl's tent. “By the why young fella. Do ye know any succubi?” “No, I don't” “Hmm, wouldn't sit right to just watch ye get stolen. Don't ye look back and just continue on behind me tent. I'll stall the wan for ye. Don't worry bout ye gifts won't be hard to find ye tomorrow.” Deciding not to take the chance I did as the girl said and went on my way. Zigzagging my way through the tents I heard the girl's voice boom over with her usual sales pitch though this time a bit more aggressive. 'I guess she's trying to sell to the succubus.' After making a few more turns I saw a shadow approaching behind a tent a little ways down. In a bit of a panic I ducked into the tent to my right. As the shadow became a silhouette on the tent I heard a muffled voice. “Now where did he go?” Focusing on the silhouette I suddenly hear a voice behind me, “Is someone there?” Surprise had hold of me for a moment. As I turned I found that I wasn't hearing things. In front of me sitting in a chair was another man like myself. Albeit a bit older. “Um... sorry for barging in. I was being followed by some succubus and happened to duck into your tent.” “Ah, it's rare to meet another male in this world. No worries. I understand.” “Wait... 'this world'? Are you from earth as well?” “Yes I am. My name's Antonio, but most call me Tony.” the man said as he extended his hand. Moving closer I shook his hand and replied, “Ryan.... excuse me for asking but, you're blind aren't you?” “Yes...” it looked like he was about to say something else when a girl walked in. “Tony it's almost time, we should...” Turning to see the newcomer I saw it was a rather pretty cute cat girl. But before she could say anything we heard someone outside shouting. “Ryan!! Where'd you go?!” “Ah that's my companion. I should be going. Was nice meeting you, Antonio.” “Likewise.” I walked out of the tent and saw Silvia. Picking up the pace I jogged over to her to see what she wanted. |
|
| Whew, thought this was a crazy flashback to a bygone era until the blindness thing came up. Whoo. I always likes me some Moon Bazaar! Wonder how long that succubus was on your tail... Is this going down during the war? Not saying it wouldn't be possible, but makes me wonder at the chance of something happening with so many people gathered. |
| well let's hope that it goes as smoothly as last year's |
|
| also idk why everyone assumed i'd be traveling back in time to Gray Gardens :T |
|
More topics from this board
» [MSGF] Shadowt5 Story ( 1 2 )Shadowt5 - Nov 8, 2014 |
93 |
by FlunentDirty
»»
Oct 6, 2019 9:37 PM |
|
» [MSGF] Ookami-51's StoryOokami-51 - Jun 1, 2015 |
39 |
by MetallumOperatur
»»
May 2, 2018 5:59 PM |
|
» [MSGC] MetallumOperatur's Story: A Brave New World ( 1 2 3 )MetallumOperatur - Aug 15, 2015 |
122 |
by MetallumOperatur
»»
Sep 8, 2017 7:54 PM |
|
» [MSGC] - Aspicientis's Story ( 1 2 )aspicientis - Sep 14, 2014 |
87 |
by Clarus_Nox
»»
Jun 20, 2017 5:49 AM |
|
» [MSGC] Greatgreenman's Story ( 1 2 3 4 )New_User_12345 - May 27, 2014 |
167 |
by New_User_12345
»»
May 24, 2017 11:27 AM |